Tuesday, August 21, 2012

so many changes...

It has been a while since I have posted. A long while. Thank you for all the 'Mary, where are you emails!'. So very sweet of you. 

The truth is, it has been a sad summer for me. So many huge life changes have happened, and I feel a little wind has been knocked out of my sails. No totally...I still have moments where I feel like my 'normal' self...but I feel changes brewing and I don't like it. 

A couple weeks ago, my beloved dog Jake was diagnosed with bone cancer. I cried. And cried. And I cannot remember the last time I cried or what it was even about. I am tough that way. I am very good at being dealt a really bad hand in life and pulling myself up by the boot straps and carrying on. Attacking the problem one step at a time until it has resolved itself. I am a problem solver, not a problem dweller. Well, this was a biggie. And for a while I was sad. I am now in 'lets deal with it' mode so it is getting better. We did surgery, he is starting chemotherapy tomorrow and we will squeeze every moment life moment we can out of him until we have to say goodbye. He is very happy, you would never know he has a thing wrong with him and I will enjoy him until that changes. 

Well, I thought this was going to be my 'big event of the summer'. Until last week. Out of the blue, my sweet, beloved Dad wasn't feeling well and he was taken to the ER. He has been in the hospital ever since and a few days ago he was diagnosed with advanced cancer.

They cannot even pinpoint what kind of cancer because they cannot tell where it started. I am in total shock. To say we were blindsided by this was an understatement. He has never been in the hospital a day in his life. Rarely gets a cold. He is 79 but you would guess he was 15 years younger. I am coming to terms with it the best I can, but I still have those moments where I just want to curl up on my bathroom floor and cry. 

He is such a rare, incredible man with a beautiful soul. I cannot believe he is going through this. Selfless, patient and strong in his faith. He has been loving my mom for 56 years, they have raised 8 kids together and felt the joy of 22 grandchildren. He has given me the best memories a girl could have. I have learned so much from him. When my sisters were learning to sew and cook and clean, I was outside with my Dad. Learning to use the table saw and sanders. Refinishing furniture, building and painting things, trimming trees...all the traditional 'boy things'.  I remember him teaching me to mow our farm with the riding mower when I was barely able to reach the brake pedal. He always believe I could do it. Never doubted me. I wish every girl could experience a Dad with such a calm sweetness about him. This is the first time I am feeling sad to be the youngest in our family. 36 years with him is just not enough for me. 

I am heartbroken he has to experience this. He is starting chemo today. We know it won't cure him, but he just wanted a little more time. He wants to say goodbye, hug us all as much as he can and hope for that miracle. All I ask is that you remember him in your prayers. 


I am going to continue posting when I feel the urge, but I am going to spend every moment I can hanging on every word he has to say and just being with him.